Every once and again, a movie will come along that changes the way we look at film. Perhaps it’s an innovative director that gives us a new way of telling stories, or a brilliant cinematographer who captures life though his lens in a way that we’ve never seen before.  Maybe a young screenwriter scripts a breakthrough narrative that touches the hearts of all who see the film. Sure, seeing a film like this is rare, but possible. The Godfather, Star Wars, The Maltese Falcon and Citizen Cane are just a few of the films that speak to several generations and changed the way we all see film. Gymkata, however, is the furthest thing from these films that I have ever seen.  It is, without a doubt, the single worst film I have ever seen.
    One of the many hats I wear here at the station has me running the audio board for Mountain News This Morning. (5:30 – 7am every weekday morning)  Sitting beside me is the Master Control operator. He and I often have interesting discussions on movies and for months he continually lauded Gymkata as “The GREATEST B-movie ever made!”  As any reader of this column knows, I loves me some B-movies.  A few weeks later, after getting through some pressing discs in my Netflix queue, the thin red envelope with Gymkata appeared in my mailbox.  My schedule makes it hard to watch movies during the week, so I often find myself having mini movie marathons every Saturday and Sunday.  The wife will usually start every film we get, but wanted no part of this one.  So, around 8 am a few Sunday’s ago, I sat down to watch Gymkata. And what I saw was mind-bogglingly awful!
    For any of you interested in this garbage pile of a movie, it tells the story of an American gymnastics champion named Jonathan who is recruited by a NSA-type agency to act as a covert operative.  His one mission is to travel to a remote Middle Eastern country and compete in “The Game,” a tribal ritual where any foreigner who enters the county must complete an endurance obstacle course.  If they survive, they are granted a wish.  The super spy wants our young gymnast to win so that we can put a Star Wars satellite monitoring station in the mountains of this little country.....................
    Sorry, almost fell asleep typing about this wreck of a film.  I’ll sum it up with this: his fighting style is a mixture of Karate and Gymnastics! And, just like in real life, there is gymnastic equipment conveniently positioned around the country so he can use his “skills” in beating the baddies.  In the middle of the crazy cannibal town (the less said about this, the better) there is a stone pummel horse.  Think about that for a minute. Let it mull around in your brain. These crazy cannibals have taken the time to build a stone pummel horse for why exactly?

      Oh, and over the streets of a city, perfectly positioned parallel bars so he can continually spin, kicking the mercenaries as they LITERALLY RUN INTO HIS FEET! Why not stand still and watch this idiot spin on his bars. Even better than the complete idiocy of the villains is that when Jonathan kicks them in the face, he keeps spinning.  I’m no physics professor, but I’m pretty sure that the speed required to keep this momentum going is far greater than a skinny kid spinning on a metal pole. It’s preposterous moments like this that make me HATE this film with a passion.
   

     After wasting the better part of 2 hours on Gymkata, I’ve spent countless more time debating its awfulness with my Master Control friend.  He is no longer allowed to recommend any films but continues to defend what he feels is a cinematic masterpiece.

    Hopefully next time, I’ll have a good film to talk to you about, or even an update on the short I’m producing. Until then, that’s a wrap from the Director’s Chair.