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Now Playing the Revenge

By: Tim Coles
By: Tim Coles

Well here we are again. It’s always such a pleasure. By my calculations, there are three new movies being released to the multiplexes and I will get to those. First, I’d like to take a minute and disclose a secret of mine.

Well here we are again.  It’s always such a pleasure.  By my calculations, there are three new movies being released to the multiplexes and I will get to those.  First, I’d like to take a minute and disclose a secret of mine.

Everybody has a guilty pleasure.  Each of us as individuals is inevitably drawn to something that may not be considered mainstream.  It could be something that we are embarrassed to even acknowledge to ourselves.  It could be that piece of chocolate we try to sneak in before dinner, knowing there is a good chance it will ruin the upcoming meal.  Perhaps it could be doing the Macarena when you think there is no one around.  Maybe you enjoy singing Miley Cyrus in the shower.  It’s those small delights that can get us through our day. 

Guilty pleasures, however, is not what I want to talk about.  Instead, I want to focus on something I like to call guilty pain.  These are things that a person feels compelled to do, even though they realize the experience will not be pleasant.  They know going into, during and after this event that this is something they will not enjoy.  I’m not talking about being dragged to see something by someone else.  This needs to be something a person will attend by their own free will, despite their better judgment.  I have a few of these that relate to the cinematic world, one of which will tie into the first movie on the docket.

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

Most people know the story of young D’Artagnan and his quest to join the ranks of the Musketeers.  If not, there are numerous (and I do mean numerous) cinematic versions of the Alexandre Dumas tale.  One of the more noteworthy ones would be the Richard Lester’s version told in two parts from the 1970’s (both now available on instant streaming from Netflix).  What brings me the guilty pain that I’ve mentioned before is not the tale itself, nor the fact that it’s in 3D.  It’s the man behind the scenes that somehow always draws me in.  That man is one Paul W.S Anderson (Soldier).

Mr. Anderson (Resident Evil) has a knack for making bad films.  The direction is usually lackluster.  The writing is always horrible.  Out of his entire repertoire of movies, I can only cite one as being anywhere close to good (Event Horizon).  The rest of them, I can chalk up to either bad (Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D) or wasted potential (AvP: Alien vs. Predator).  What brings me back is that sometimes, these bad films can be enjoyable in their awfulness (Mortal Kombat, Death Race).  The writing may be so bad that there is amusement in actors trying to keep a straight face while saying it.  Joan Allen had a line so preposterous in Death Race that she deserved an award for actually making it work.  The action is also a rip off of the Matrix, slow motion style but it usually lacks the execution and substance of said movie.  So despite my low interest (1 Count of Monte Cristo out of 5), I know I’ll be sitting in the darkened theater come Friday.  I just hope that I’m not sitting there, wondering why I gave my 10 dollars to this as I’m banging my head against the seat in front of me.  The Three Musketeers is rated PG-13 for sequences of adventure action violence.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

It’s the Halloween season, and while there is not another Saw movie to look forward to (thankfully.  That is another guilty pain of mine of which I have no idea why I keep coming back.  None of those movies are even remotely good), we do have the third installment of the PA saga.  Once again, a family sets up cameras around their house to try and document what could be some ghostly mannerisms.  What sets this one apart from the others is that it takes place during the scariest time of all, the 1980’S!  Quick!  Hide your Jam shorts, your neon suits and turn off that cassette of Mr. Mister!

I thought the first one was a decent diversion with a unique gimmick.  The sequel I never got around to watching as it seemed more of the same.  I feel the same about this one as well.  I’m in no hurry to see this so I may catch it on DVD when it comes out in a few months.  My interest would have to haunt around 2 Zelda Rubinstein’s out of 5.  Paranormal Activity is rated R for some violence, language, brief sexuality and drug use.

JOHNNY ENGLISH REBORN

And now here comes the sequel nobody in the States was asking for.  Mr. Bean’s Rowan Atkinson (The Tall Guy) returns to the role he first portrayed in 2003 as he fights off a band of international terrorists bent on assassinating the Chinese premier.  The Europeans seem to love Rowan’s movies while I think most Americans are ambivalent to them at best.  I know I count myself with the latter.  Mr. Bean does have a cult following so it may do decent business here.  It just won’t get my money.  Interest is 1 tweed jacket and skinny red tie out of 5.  Johnny English Reborn is rated PG for mild action violence, rude humor, some language and brief sensuality.

Now, it’s time to say good-bye…to all our company.  Next week, we visit another bad director and a spin-off of ogre proportions.  Until then, All for One and One for All…in 3D!!!

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